On the way to KC the morning of the Big 12 Championship game we happened to catch the odometer roll over to 30,000 miles on the BRMW. We expected something to break after witnessing such a monumental occasion, but we rolled on down I-29 without a hiccup.
At least until Sunday.......Read below for more about our Sunday adventure.
10:30 am - It was the day after the Husker Big 12 Championship game, we had just finished our Slam Dunk breakfast at Denny's and we were ready to head back to Lincoln in the BRMW. We were excited to get back before dark; partly because the ambulance had no brake lights and partly because we were tired and hungover.
As we entered I-70 the ambulance made a strange, coughing noise and wouldn't go over 40 MPH. We were slightly alarmed, but confident that the BRMW would pull through and get us home. That optimism soon changed as the strange noises became louder and we had to pull off the interstate. We get off at the exit of the stadium and it dies. We look at one another, agree that NONE of us, as Dan put it, “know shit about cars.” But we charge the battery, change over to the other gas tank and blame it on bad gas. Dan buys a bunch of maps and decide we’re taking the highway home.
We made it up the road about 4.2 miles before the ambulance died again. We pulled off into a parking lot in a lovely neighborhood, complete with "Cut-Rate Liquor" right across the street.
Since we had approximately 7 cases of beer and 1/2 a keg in the ambulance, we decided that alcohol was really the only thing we didn’t need at this point (this will become ironic later) and once again, Dan and Rick opened the hood to diagnose the problem (still not knowing 'shit' about cars).
We call James and Erica because James is the closest person we know who “knows shit about cars.” While we’re waiting on the side of the road, some dude pulls up out of nowhere in the biggest tow truck we've ever seen.
He offers to tow us back to Lincoln for somewhere around $500 OR we can go down the street to this place that works on ambulances. By this time we've made some calls and determined that it's possibly the alternator. We figured we could make it home by driving until it died (about 7 miles) and then wait an hour while we charge the batteries again. At that rate we figured we'd probably make it home in time for the 2007 football season.
James arrived, along with Erica and two friends. James isn't really sure what's happening, but passed a Car Quest on his way to meet us just up the road. We decide to have them follow us there so once again ~ we charge the battery and are off!
We arrive at Car Quest and this is where we meet Darryl — the nicest man who works at an auto parts store. Darryl tells us we could fix it if we had tools (and probably knew shit about cars). He knew of two potential places to fix it. The first was a Ford dealership complete with qualified mechanics, fully stocked parts, and what we can only guess to be a heated waiting area for customers. The second was a friend of his with a garage. Of course, we choose the latter. In the meantime, a guy named Russ was in buying parts for something completely unrelated to the BRMW. Russ claimed to work the night shift at the Ford dealership (that the tow truck guy suggested) and offers to fix our alternator for $100 if the guy with the garage can't. Russ has his own shop just down the street.
The friend of Darryl's pulls up and although we didn't get a photo, looked much like Santa Claus. He took one look at the BRMW, said it was too big to fit in his garage, apologized, and ran like the wind back to what we can only guess was his heated home. At this point, it's like 12:30-1:00, we've been at the auto parts store for about an hour and a half and we've sent James and Erica on there merry way back to West Point. It was also at this point that Staci thought it was best to start drinking ~ hopefully seven cases of beer and 1/2 a keg would be enough!
At this point ~ we weigh our alternatives:
1) Have the alternator replaced by Russ
2) Try to drive the ambulance home, turning off all non-vital electrical item (including the heater) and stopping to charge the battery approximately every 7 miles.
3) Call the lady in Texas who offered to buy the ambulance a few weeks ago, tell her it's all hers and where she can pick it up.
4) Bungee cord the generator and batter charger to the front of the ambulance and just leave it hooked up for the drive home (believe it or not, this option got more votes than the one involving NO HEAT).
We decided to go with Russ. He apparently has a shop not far from Car Quest. He gave us directions and walked away. Dan then turned to Jodi and Staci and said, "did he just say his shop was in a trailer park?" We knew at that point we had found the perfect mechanic!
Russ said he couldn't exactly tell what sort of alternator we needed but once we got back to his shop and he got it off the rig someone could ride with him back to Car Quest to try and find a match. After we got the new alternator, it'd be about 15 minutes and we'd be on our way. Fifteen minutes seemed to be Russ's answer to all things time related (this will become important later). As the day wore on, Rick decided Russ's 15 minutes were dog minutes so really every time he told us 15 minutes it meant it'd be 105 minutes.
After about a half hour of Russ working on some ball joint in the back of the store, we follow him to his shop. The dude drives like a bat out of hell! So as Rick tries to keep up with him, Staci and Jodi are in the back of the ambulance trying to stay upright and catch any and all of the tailgating crap that was just piled and flying all over the place when we made corners on 3 wheels (The ambulance is a dually so it was a 3-wheeled corner). We arrive at Russ's shop ~ "Russ's Performance Corner" ~ which was indeed in a Trailer Park (Heart Village, A Nice Place to Live).
Sure as shit, Russ's shop is a cement-blocked building in a trailer park. The trailer house next to Russ's Performance Corner is on blocks and has no windows. There are probably 6-7 cars, an RV and a riding lawnmower parked near the shop. Most of the cars are also on blocks, the RV, like the trailer, has broken out windows and the lawnmower looks like it hasn't moved in years. Sprinkle a bunch of trash bags, some random oil cans and other crap on the ground, a set of train tracks next to the shop and a "Beware of Dog" sign into this mental picture and voila! you're right there. It's like stuff you see in the movies; the movies where the people usually end up dead! Thank God it's daylight!
As it turns out, Russ used to live in Nebraska and attended Wesleyan University. At first we were intrigued because we didn't realize Wesleyan had an auto mechanics program, specializing in ambulance repair. We later found out that he was a Political Science Major and must have received his auto repair training elsewhere.
2:03 pm - Russ quickly removes the old alternator. Somehow Dan draws the short straw (actually, he was the unlucky one to be outside when Russ came out of his shop) and has to ride back to the auto parts store with Russ in search of the coveted alternator. We wish Dan well and Jodi takes one final photo of Dan for the milk carton.
Dan rides off into the unknown with Russ leaving Staci, Jodi and Rick outside in the ambulance at some random trailer park in who-knows-where Missouri.
We were pretty sure at this point either we would get the ambulance fixed or Dan would be killed and robbed by Russ and he was sending friends over to finish us off. We decided to call T-Bone and tell here where we were (we actually didn't really know where we were, mind you ~ but did give her the name of the trailer park and told her the CSI's could find our bodies buried out behind Russ's Performance Corner).
Meanwhile, back at Car Quest (with Russ and Dan)....
Good ol Darryl is hard at working trying to find our exact alternator. Of course they don't have a 165 amp ambulance alternator in stock (that would be too easy)! Darryl calls NAPA....no luck. He calls the Ford dealership we were originally going to take it to....no luck. Just when Dan thinks we're done for some genius behind the parts counter starts spewing out random numbers. He manages to cross reference the old alternator with a new one. We have a match! But it's clear across town on the west side of KC at a Car Quest warehouse.
At this time Dan receives a text "Are you alive?" message from Jodi. He responds with a "So far, but I'm still in a public place!".
Russ kindly offers to drive Dan across town to get the alternator, but is worried about getting his wheel bearing pressed (what he originally came to Car Quest for before running into us). Darryl assures him he'll have it done when we get back, but tells us we only have an hour before the store closes.
Just like that we're off! Less than an hour to drive across KC, pick up the coveted alternator and get back to the parts store! We're cruising down I-70 and I-35 going about 85 to 90 mph when Russ starts chatting away.
Now picture this....A complete stranger making small talk driving 85 down the Interstate. No big deal......unless he's the type of person who when talking to you has to continually make eye contact! That's right, Dan was riding along with Russ going 85, talking away while continually making eye contact. Dan thought he was going to die that day.
Now back to Russ's Performance Corner (with Staci, Jodi and Rick)....
An hour or so passes when Rick calls Dan. He is alive and on his way with Russ to somewhere in Kansas to pick up the alternator. It's freezing, but thankfully have quite a few blankets and a heater Dan brought for the game. We're bored with a lot of time on our hands and are surrounded by alcohol. Staci and Rick have been drinking beer pretty much the entire time. As time wears on and it gets colder, the hot chocolate machine and multiple bottles of schnapps start to look pretty good. Rick busts out the generator.
Staci cleans out the night before's hot chocolate from the machine, and Jodi's wussy ass that is FREEZING, stays in the ambulance and locates cups, booze and hot chocolate packages.
We hook up an iPod and in a few short minutes, we're drinking the strongest hot chocolate and schnapps drink EVER and jamming to tunes.
After a couple drinks, we run out of peppermint schnapps, Jodi texts Dan again to pick some up on his way back but in the meantime contemplate what would taste better with our next ones peach schnapps or tequila? BTW, peach schnapps and hot chocolate is not too bad. I'm sure tequila with it would be TERRIBLE! While we're having our little party in the ambulance, Russ's Performance Corner is quite the happening spot for young trailer park goers. At least 3-4 times some young guys with lots of tattoos stopped by looking for Russ. We affectionately called them the "Hoodlums." If we weren't convinced they were going to kill us, we thought Russ's other friend known as the "Neo-Nazi" would.
Now Jodi and Staci have to pee. Since Russ has locked up his garage and his trailer is gutted and on blocks
we decide our best bet is to go behind the Free Spirit, which is also gutted with no windows.
A little cold for peeing outside, but thank goodness for the heater, blankets, and hot chocolate with schnapps when we got back in the BRMW.
At this point, Rick announces that he has been "saving himself" this whole time while drinking so he can write our names in the snow. So, while he is off working on his project, Jodi and Staci try to find the ties so we can hang up the disco ball. We can't locate them and contemplate texting Dan again, but decide maybe he's heard enough of us for awhile. We manage to continue our little party without the disco ball.
Rick returns from his journey and tells us he did get our names in the snow, but was greedily trying to for both so the I's were dotted and it wasn't his finest penmanship (or penismanship as it will later be known). Jodi and Staci are thrilled to have their names peed in the snow at a trailer park.
Meanwhile, back to the quest for the holy alternator (with Russ and Dan)....
Dan does receive Jodi's text for more peppermint schnapps and realizes it's not going to be good when he gets back to the ambulance. Thankfully, we exit the Interstate! Dan feels safe again for a brief moment. After a few wrong turns and a few phone calls we manage to find the Car Quest warehouse. We run in, make sure the new alternator is a match and are back on the road.
It's at this time that Russ tells Dan he's hypoglycemic. Russ's hands are starting to shake because he hasn't ate anything all day and wants to know if it's ok to swing through McDonalds. No problem there. Dan doesn't need a shaky Russ driving 85 mph back to the parts store.
Now we're back on the Interstate with Russ who's driving like he did before, but now is juggling a big mac and several cell phone calls. Dan again thinks he's going to die......
We make it back to Darryl's Car Quest store. Dan falls to his hands and knees and kisses the pavement. Just kidding, but he thought about it. We give Darryl the old alternator, pick up Russ's parts and are finally on our way back to the ambulance.
Back at the ambulance and one big, happy family ....
4:09 pm - Dan finally returns and Staci, Jodi and Rick are drunk. He calls Rick a 'bitch' because he was supposed to drive the ambulance back and now Dan will have to drive the ambulance home.
It's going to get dark soon and we're happy to have all the parts and Russ assures us he will have us on the road in 20 minutes. Dan did not bring us our requested Schnapps and informed us that Russ has blood sugar issues so they had to stop at McDonald's on the way back. We are happy Dan is alive and switch over to beer.
Yea ~ Russ is back so we can get into the garage to use the bathroom. It's not quite a full step up from going behind the Free Spirit. There is no heat in Russ's garage and Staci fears that her butt will freeze to the toilet seat!
Twenty minutes have now passed and Russ is still in his garage with the doors closed. About that time our good friend Darryl pulls up to check on Russ. As Dan tells us, Russ was trying to 'wittle' a key for our alternator because the new alternator didn't have one. Darryl is skeptical. He kindly offers to go back to Car Quest and open the store to retrieve our old key. Rick goes along and the hoodlums (now back looking for Russ for the third time) follow so they can drive him back.
5:01 pm - Rick returns safely with the needed part. Russ assures us that he will have the alternator in in 15 minutes.
It's now getting pretty damn cold and we're worried about how much longer our heat will last ~ but hell ~ only 15 minutes until we're on the road, we can make it! After about 30 minutes, Russ finally crawls under the ambulance to install the alternator.
We start to hear several f-bombs but don't know if they are good f-bombs (F' yes ~ it fits right in the perfectly) or bad f-bombs (oh F', I have to start grinding things so it will fit). Russ then fired up his grinder and we knew.
Russ successfully grinds something (hopefully not important) off the alternator to make it fit. Dan comes into report that he said he would have it ready in 15 minutes…this now makes beer come out of Staci's nose from laughing!
6:53 pm - The toasty redness or our heater starts to fade. As Jodi holds the heater to her face to suck up the last bit of heat. We can only hope that Russ really means 15 minutes this time!
Sometime after 7 the moment of truth comes....to start the ambulance. First time, nothing and an F-bomb from Russ. A tweak here and there and the sucker starts, but what's that horrible squeal?! Finally after a few adjustments, we call it good! We're on our way at 7:24...a mere several Russ-15 minutes later.
Tbone has now dropped off Matt at the airport and is waiting for us in Platte City. We grab some lunch/dinner at Taco Bell and we're off. We needed T to follow because the ambulance not only doesn't have brake lights now, but no turn signals -- I guess we'll save that fix-it for another trip to Russ's Performance Corner.Oh yeah.....if you really want to know.
We finally made it home at 11:30 with no problems the rest of the way. Only a mere 13 hours later!
A special thanks goes out to:
Darryl - The nicest parts guy around. You went above and beyond. Even opening up your store after hours.
Russ - For being so kind. You basically dropped everything you were doing on Sunday to get us back on the road.
The Hoodlums - Although we never got your names. We knew your car repair was put on hold because of us.
T-Bone - For waiting around in Platte City for us and then following us home since we didn't have brake lights or turn signals.
